The C-Word

Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit. – E.E. Cummings

I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident.

My fellow playwriting cohorts and I are currently taking a course with Gary Garrison about political plays and the ten minute play structure. This week we met an hour earlier with Gary, we do this from time to time to ask him question about the business, but our meeting this week was different. Instead of us asking him questions, he asked us.

Being an internal processor, the whole being called upon in class to answer these kind of questions on the spot terrify me. Internal processors are people who need time alone to think through their ideas. External processors are people who like to think and talk their ideas out loud. And of course, I, as we all, have to practice the fluidity of being both internal and external, but internal is my preference. I am a playwright after all…

Gary’s questions were simple, but carried a lot of heft behind them. They required on the spot self evaluation and of course, they required me to be an external processor. One of the questions in particular really stood out, and I’d like to share it with you.

“In terms of your playwriting, what are your strengths?”

I can’t remember what answer I gave. Some sort of word vomit that I tried to make sound intelligent. Again…internal processor. So walking away, I’m not really thinking about my answer. What I am thinking about is how difficult I found it to come up with an answer. And if I’m honest with myself, it’s not just because I was forced to externally process.

Growing up as female identifying person in the bible belt of America, I was encouraged to be a number of things, but above all: pure, positive, and humble. Confidence in the Lord was highly encouraged, but confidence in one’s self by one’s self outside of God was looked down upon.

I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident.

Confidence: having or showing assurance and self-reliance (Merriam-Webster)

“What are my strengths…” Am I allowed to think about that? 

How do we practice confidence without being arrogant? How do we believe in ourselves without living in denial? How do we advocate for self without being selfish?

I don’t really know yet. I’m still figuring it out. I know it’s possible and there’s probably some TED, TEDex talk out there in the Youtube-verse that we could watch.

I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident. I will be confident.

What I am taking away from this meeting with Gary is this… the value of self reflection. It’s a crucial practice to have as an artist and I want to invite you to bring such a practice into the flow of your process. Internal processors, maybe you want to grab your journal and a cup of something warm to reflect on your answer. External processors, borrow the ear of a close friend and a cup of something warm to find your answer.

And if you’re like me, and for whatever reason, struggle with the c-word. Here are some practical things we can do as artist in our day to day life that might grow confidence.

• Dress to express
• Meditate for ten minutes
• Write a list of self affirmations
• Speak those affirmations out loud
• Embrace your insecurities
• Extend kindness to another human being
• Set small, achievable goals for your day
• Know who you are
• Love who you are
• Be kind to yourself

We will be confident. We will be confident. We will be confident. We will be confident.