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on things coming to an end

when things end, they seem to all end at once.

all the projects and the presentations due within days of each other. classes coming to an end sooner than i would have liked them to. the potential safety of my human body in this country’s healthcare system.

opening a show, my last show at this school. the last show in 210. the last shows in the BU Theatre.

everything seems to be an ending. every new thing is a new last.

i’ve never dealt well with things ending, or changing. i’m a soggy person on the inside. i like things to be different but i don’t like the way things get that way. take for example a big ol’ class project. you know that on the other side of the project you’ll be done, you’ll be free as a bird. but to get through to the other side you’ve gotta go crazy making it right. i’ve gotta go crazy making it right. planning for every possible option and being aware of all the possibilities. the twenty minute stress cloud that precedes presentation time is maybe not even worth it. then you black out for twenty minutes while the presentation happens to you. and out you come, on the other side, free as a bird.

except it never quite feels that way. no matter how many times i repeat it, over and over, in my head: you can take a deep breath. you can. it never seems to sink in. when did calm become a physical feeling and not a mental one?

i wonder when endings lost their value. i wonder at what age we all collectively decided that busy was the new black. what point in time did it become chic to value the constant motion, the never stopping. was it something we all agreed upon? if it wasn’t us, who did it? the generation above us calls us lazy. they say we don’t work hard enough and that’s why we’re at a disadvantage. if we just worked harder we’d be making it just fine. and within ourselves we’ve become addicted to the rush, abused by the pace of the lives we’ve set for ourself, the pace of the lives people are telling us we should be leading. the pace of the lives it has suddenly become necessary to lead in order to survive, god forbid you have a few extra coffee dollars a month.

i wonder when endings became celebrated. when the first thing on every politicians morning checklist was tearing something down. repeal this and destroy the other thing.

we have become a people in a downward spiral. a people hurtling towards an ending. i want to take a moment to go the other way. i want to be calm. i want to stop moving and feel like i’m allowed to do so. i want to say yes to the moment right in front of me without losing sight of what lies ahead. i want to stay positive. i want to be smart. i want to be still.

the biggest ending of my life awaits me just on the horizon. i welcome it with open arms and shoulders as relaxed as the wind.

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