I am behind on these blog posts. I believe I have to write four this week, if my count is correct. And I know that my count is correct. Because each week the number grows, the tally on my planner saying “Hey! Hey dude! Write a freaking blog post it’s not that hard!”
And, like……….. sure. It’s not that bad. There are worse things I could be forced to do in the spirit of higher education. Being an arts student means you love All of The Things you have to Do, right?!?
Making art is the worst. It’s suuuuuuper embarrassing. I find that I am deeply embarrassed on a weekly if not daily basis. But what about, you might ask? Okay. Um… Literally Everything. If I’m doing my job right, I am pretty consistently baring some if not all of my soul to others, which can definitely be embarrassing. And then if I’m NOT doing my job right, if I’ve been phoning it in… Oh boy. That is even MORE embarrassing because then I’m the one letting down my peers and not being good enough for them – or, if we’re being honest here – for myself.
I am embarrassed to exist onstage. (Are people supposed to watch me for this long? Have I really been talking for ten minutes? Are they sick of the sound of my voice?)
I am embarrassed to share my writing. (Does this suck? They laughed – was that supposed to be funny? Does everyone hate this? Is this super awkwardly autobiographical and now everyone knows my Deep Dark Secrets?!?)
I am embarrassed that I have the audacity to call myself a Director, or a Playwright, or an Artist. (I am young and inexperienced, how dare I have any thoughts or opinions or feelings about art?)
EVEN THIS BLOG POST IS EMBARRASSING. (Am I really this self-absorbed? Is someone going to read this and laugh at me? Is no one going to read this because no one cares what I think or say or do? Did I misspell something?!!?!?!?!?!?!?)
I think, for me, what this all boils down to is that I am embarrassed to be in process. We live in a world of images and of instant gratification. I don’t like being in process because that’s not something I’d be comfortable sharing on Instagram and I don’t like being in process because since I got a smartphone I’ve had [almost] every piece of knowledge at my fingertips so not knowing something is… You guessed it! Embarrassing.
Those are a couple cultural factors that definitely contribute to my general uneasiness and embarrassment with being seen in process. Add a dash of anxiety on top and you’ve got a nice recipe for panic and fear.
But like, who the hell cares. It’s just theatre. It really doesn’t matter. If I fuck up, is anyone ~actually~ going to care? I’m not a doctor. I’m not going to kill someone by accident. I’m not the president. Art is not life or death, and thank god.
I’m going to try to be more chill about being in process. To accept where I am, what I can do, what I can’t do, what I still would like to learn… All that fun stuff.
Hell. I’m not even going to edit this post. Maybe I said something stupid! Wow! What a thrill! Here’s to making mistakes, to learning, to process, and to [probably] continuing to be pretty embarrassed about the whole thing.