I have used the structure “On blah blah and blah” in almost every blog post title.
(Update: it was only in 2 others. It seems to have infiltrated my brain more than I thought.)
I have a type, ok?
I have been trying desperately to repress the fact that the first semester of my senior year is over and I only have one semester left before I graduate college. But, alas, reflection and processing is a necessary part of this school.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this blog post I wrote back in October about what I learned while stage managing a show at the BCA. I’m in tech again now for a new show, one where I’m an actor, and things seem to be coming full circle for me. I had a different kind of ease then, I was much less wrapped up in doing things right or looking for approval. I’ve been working on combining my two persons (my actor person and my non-actor person) all semester and I must be doing something right because now it’s getting tough. We’ve come to the necessary part of the growing process where it hurts and things are a little confusing and so I know the end is nigh. It was so easy to check my ego when I was just doing my job and running around backstage and knowing I was doing a good job but not needing anyone else to tell me because it was quantifiable, I knew for sure when my job was being done right. But it’s slippery now. Maybe the energy isn’t quite right, or I wasn’t making enough eye contact, these things I can’t see or count or check off a list and I am type A and I need myself a checklist. So, other people have been working on this forever and have done something about it so I can do it too. This is not the end of the world. It’s just put the suspenders on and go back out and do it again. Do it for you. Remember the ease and purposefulness of your non-actor self and put it out on the table for actor-self to pick at. Remember how everything is always easier than you think it is?
I wonder, have I said anything of substance this semester on this blog? I think maybe sometimes yes and sometimes no. I have always tried. And that’s the takeaway, isn’t it? You won’t always be right on target. You sometimes won’t be anywhere near the target or even know there’s a target at all. But you do the work, and you come back tomorrow and do it again, and you do it with your whole heart and you do it because you love it or you do it until you love it. I’ve become dependent on this blog form. It’s become a part of my interaction with the world. But it’s practice and determination that put it there.
So, we just keep doing. That seems easy enough.