The world doesn’t look bad because I am depressed, and I think that is the first assumption of people on the outside of depression make. They assume that the one who is depressed sees the world as not worth living in. It’s why depression has victims outside of those with the illness. Those who interact with one who is depressed cannot see through the veil. It is a wall to protect ourselves from vulnerability and exposing our inner turmoil.
I slowly sink into myself. My eyelids feel heavy and my eyes feel dry. I cannot stop staring into space, and I feel myself frowning but don’t want to stop. There’s a whole downward weight latched onto my lower jaw pulling my body into a hunch. I would drool if I was unconscious, but I am aware of what is happening to me, and even indulging in it. I hold myself up by my neck and spine, which bends under the free weight of my head. My shoulders raise to add more weight onto my already overburdened spine. I stop breathing and there is a moment of silence. I feel the frown spread my entire face in purple. I feel nothing and everything.
This is not a sporadic, spontaneous thing, nor is it predictable in phases like a clock. It is cyclical and episodic. It feels as though I began the cycle with some psychological trigger long ago that led to me hiding my feelings. Hiding my feelings led to me pretending I didn’t feel them at all, which eventually gave way to me fearing those feelings, and stifling them further. Feelings of insufficiency, anger, and frustration were stifled to prevent people from seeing me as fragile or feminine. The worst of the cycle came before I exited the closet as bisexual, when I felt the worst about myself. Coming out changed that for a few years, but as always, it came back again in force.
Suicide has always been an option. I’ve even considered it as the definite way for ending my own life when I want to. It’s alluring. It’s become a normal thought for me, not just a passing tidbit, a joke, or a . It is internalized, the idea that I am better off dead than alive. Often I consider that my suicide will hurt and even destroy the people closest to me and that keeps me from completing the motion. However, the thought lingers in my head, and in the cyclical nature of my depression it always returns again.
I can’t say that one day I won’t feel this way. That would be naive, for depression is a lifelong ailment, not a one-and-done. It may lose strength over time, leading to an overall happier life, but this will not happen unless serious changes in my everyday life are implemented, every day. Whatever it is I need, I’m working on getting it for myself. I just hope those of you reading this understand how it is I’m feeling, and maybe learn something more about depression as a whole. Im not a doctor though, so don’t
If you are having suicidal thoughts please call this number, they have helped me and they can help you too:
NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE: 1-800-273-8255
And if someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, don’t take them at surface value. Offer to get help with them. Anything from staying with them while they call a therapist, to walking with them to the doctor, to giving them a big hug every time you see them. You don’t have to be their crutch, but you certainly can help them buy the crutch they need.